No, but yes

I was working with a group of teachers recently looking at the language that they use in the classroom. Bringing NLP into education is a passion of mine. How wonderful to be a magician at the front of the class?

Language is everything. We cannot not communicate and we cannot not influence and be influenced by others. Being mindful of the language we use in the classroom can make learning a lot more fun.

Take ‘but’ as an example. It’s a word we use often – but – do we need to? ‘But’ negates everything that has gone before it. Imagine the classic situation when a woman asks ‘do I look fat in this dress’ and her husband answers ‘no, but the blue dress suits you better’. All the woman hears is yes you do! And the wonderful ‘I’m not telling you what to do but …’ Hmmm, yes you are. It’s the same with children. If you say to a child ‘that is a wonderful drawing but it might look nicer if you used the red crayon’ all the child hears is ‘it will be nicer if you used the red crayon’ and will feel upset and demoralized. Far better to use linking words such as ‘and’; ‘that is a wonderful drawing and it might look even nicer if you used the red crayon’.

‘Don’t’ is another word that is often used for no effect. Telling a child ‘don’t run’ may stop the pupil for a second before they speed up again. Using ‘please walk’ will have a much better result. The reason for this is the human mind cannot process a negative. If I say to you ‘don’t think of a purple elephant’ you have to make a picture of what not to think about in order to attempt not thinking about it.

Now don’t think of a pink kangaroo to take away the image of a purple elephant.

Change your language and you change your thoughts (Karl Albrecht)

Silence the Chattering Monkey

You know the monkey I mean. The one inside your head. Your own internal dialogue. ‘I don’t have an internal dialogue’ I hear you say. Hmmm get my point?

Sadly, we hardly ever use the voice inside our heads to make ourselves feel better but almost always to beat ourselves up. We get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say ‘God, I look old ….. fat …… ugly’, any combination or even all of the above, and then go about our day wondering why we don’t feel good? Now, I’m not advocating that we look in the mirror and tell ourselves that we are gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful …. No, actually I am advocating that. Why not give ourselves uplifting affirmations instead of the usual slap? Looking into the mirror and telling yourself that ‘I am happy’ through gritted teeth might not work though, so why not remind yourself of the wonderful qualities you have? Too difficult? Ok, concentrate on one thing about yourself that you like and congratulate yourself on that feature. When you are using your internal dialogue to do this, how does the voice sound? Whose voice is it? There is an NLP trick to make the criticizing voice as silly as you possibly can. Mickey mouse is always a good voice to use or a cartoon character that is really bumbling and, dare I say it, a bit thick. Or even a very bad foreign accent. Try it out. Practice this whenever you start to criticize yourself and you’ll find that it’s really difficult to be harsh in that kind of voice. Now, how about the rare times that you say something nice to yourself? Yes, I do mean those times that you look in the mirror. Make this voice as sexy as you can. Maybe an actor that melts you or even the Cadbury’s Caramel bunny. Feel how much better this is.

How about if you want to silence the voice? Often, we are too busy talking to ourselves to really listen to what somebody else is saying or pay attention to the outside world. There are various tips to silence the monkey. Chris Hall, an acclaimed NLP Master Practitioner and Trainer, recommends thanking the voice so your unconscious knows that you have acknowledged whatever is said and just letting it go. Jamie Smart has a more practical solution. Make the tip of your tongue touch where your upper teeth meet your gum and imagine you have a drop of oil balanced between the tip of your tongue at the point where your gums meet your teeth. Mind and body are one system and internal dialogue is accompanied by tiny micro-muscle movements of the tongue. When these movements are restricted the internal voice stops.

Or, you can always do what Richard Bandler, co creator of NLP, advises and tell the chattering monkey to just ‘shut the f**k up’!

Visit me at my website www.chrysalistherapies.co.uk

Happy to be happy?

I’ve been thinking about what makes me happy? Sometimes, strangely, it feels as if it’s a bit of effort to be happy. Things get on top of me, I feel time-pressured or irritated by life generally and I can forget that being happy is the body’s default setting. I forget how easy it is to be happy. I know that there are times when we feel as if we ‘should’ be unhappy because, perhaps, a relationship has finished or we haven’t got any money. Or, sadly, that someone we love has died. But, still, in the midst of terrible sadness we do get glimmers of happiness that we suppress because it isn’t ‘right’ to be happy under those circumstances. I truly believe that it is our right to be happy at any time. You know, when we are feeling unhappy we can even distort a happy memory and say ‘Oh I only thought that I was happy then’. This is because we are our thoughts. Every day we make hundreds of choices. What to wear? What to eat? But, most importantly, what to think. It is estimated that our minds think 2500 thoughts an hour so choose your thoughts wisely. Being happy really is easier than you think. Remember a time when you felt really happy. It could be the start of a new relationship when all you can think about is how wonderful the other person is. How many times a day do you think of that person and experience a rush of joy? Thinking about that person makes you feel good and so you repeat the experience again and again firing off happy anchors. Nothing but our thoughts can hurt us. We don’t have to deserve happiness, we just have to choose it.







Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away (anon)